As funny as it sounds, being ill is a lot of responsibility! I used to be somewhat carefree but now everything I do seems to involve a lot of serious decision making. From going out with friends, to working out, to eating – there isn’t a time I’m not solely responsible for my health.
I feel like I’ll never again have a carefree life.
With St. Patrick’s Day just passing, I find that I envy other people my age. To me, being in your 20s should be a time to run wild and make mistakes and for most people it is. They can go out whenever they see fit, drink as much as they like and eat that damn burger at the end of the night. Now it’s not that I envy drunken nights and eating nutritionally empty foods, but rather the jealousy I have from no longer having those same freedoms.
I miss being able to make plans on a whim to hit the bar with my best friend, knowing that if I get a little too tipsy it doesn’t matter. I can’t completely relax when I have a few drinks because I’m mentally calculating the sugar or gluten content of the drink I’ve just ordered. When I’m dancing (usually in a laughable fashion for bystanders), in the back of my mind is the constant reminder that my body will ache for weeks because of this.
I find myself trying to stay positive and remind myself of how this has changed me in positive ways but I’m just so sick of having to make every decision a conscious one, and at my weakest, I’m just so sick of being sick.